This past year has just been a roller coaster of emotions, and every time I think it is back to normal I am wrong. I cannot seem to find a way to cope with the change in my life, but believing me I am trying. And my coping mechanisms are not healthy; binge eating, laying in bed, skipping class, fighting with my boyfriend just to feel some kind of emotion.
My life has just been flipped upside down and I am just trying to figure out how to stand on my own two feet again. My family is not what it used to be (divorce, yeah fun word), my friend groups have shrunk, and I feel alone (although I know I am not).
I have gotten to the point where anxiety and depression are living my life, not me. I have allowed them to just walk in and take over. My friends text me asking to go out or to even just hangout and I do not know how to respond, so half the time I don’t. I get so worked up they are going to be mad at me, that I have to apologize before I even know if they are upset (which they never are). I said I was busy, yeah busy trying to breathe, busy trying to tame my thoughts, busy trying to just feel normal. But, even if they aren’t mad, my mental health has taken tolls on my relationships with them, and my boyfriend. I am just so in my own head running wild with my own thoughts that I do not hear anyone else. I just hear the thoughts of depression in my head, what it is telling me to feel and telling me to hear.
It is the feeling of being scared and tired at the same time. Scared of fear, but too tired or upset to actually be productive. I always want to be alone, but I never want to feel lonely. It is KNOWING that what you are upset over is dumb, but physically and mentally not being able to do anything about it.
I have dreams of becoming successful and to live the life I have always wanted, but my fear is my mental health is going to hold me back. Yeah, go ahead tell me, “stop worrying so much” “don’t let it get to you” nice thought thanks, but doesn’t work — trust me if it did I wouldn’t be writing this write now. I never understood mental health until it affected me. Depression is not caring, and anxiety feels like caring too much — and I can never have one day where it is just one or the other.
I am not going to let this define me for the rest of my life, because of the past year it is all I have blamed it on. I am not saying there is not going to be days of weakness, but I am tired of all my days being filled with those.
I want my life back, and I am going to fight to have it.